Apr 23, 2009
Solitude
The very word solitude has a whole new meaning for me now. Its not that I have never been alone before, I was on many occasions, but there would always be someone a friend, a colleague or some known face around when I needed someone to talk to or just be with.
And for some reason I liked my freedom to be myself when I was alone; I liked the idea that I can do what ever I want and nobody to question or stop me.
I saw a whole new face of solitude when my room-mate [Waman] left for India in December 08 and subsequently returned to another state. First I thought it wont make me anymore lonely than I have always been; but boy was I wrong this time. First few days went kind of OK I tried to make most of my days alone and would watch movies all week-end long or just lay in the bed the whole week-end getting out only to eat but as it was core winter in Mass probably there was not much I could have done.
Slowly as the weather started getting better my misery kept growing too. Weekdays would go great, I spent most of the day in office and I would have some company at home in the form of Arun my house owner. But the week-end would haunt me. I started doing all kind of stuff just to keep myself busy during the week-end. I would make strict schedules for the mundane chores like washing and pressing cloths, preparing food, cutting nails, polishing my shoes and would you believe even eating. I would set alarms for each of the tasks and force myself to finish them on schedule. It seemed to work for some weeks but then I started loosing the motivation to follow this insane schedule.
Just to avoid getting over bored I would talk to strangers in public chat rooms in streaming sites [justin.tv etc], go and wander outside even it’s snowing heavily, eat chips as if I have nothing else to eat, I would curse myself constantly for not being forthcoming and not being able make friends easily and quickly. All this craziness forced me to talk to people I would never talked to otherwise and that was good in a way as I made new friends[Sanga] to whom I can talk to or chat with anytime I feel like. My friend Rajat also started coming to my place some week-ends and the three of us Rajat, Sanga and me would go out some times together. Things started getting to the usual again. I can't thank them enough.
After going through all this I think I am finally at peace with my self or at least I hope I am. :)
And for some reason I liked my freedom to be myself when I was alone; I liked the idea that I can do what ever I want and nobody to question or stop me.
I saw a whole new face of solitude when my room-mate [Waman] left for India in December 08 and subsequently returned to another state. First I thought it wont make me anymore lonely than I have always been; but boy was I wrong this time. First few days went kind of OK I tried to make most of my days alone and would watch movies all week-end long or just lay in the bed the whole week-end getting out only to eat but as it was core winter in Mass probably there was not much I could have done.
Slowly as the weather started getting better my misery kept growing too. Weekdays would go great, I spent most of the day in office and I would have some company at home in the form of Arun my house owner. But the week-end would haunt me. I started doing all kind of stuff just to keep myself busy during the week-end. I would make strict schedules for the mundane chores like washing and pressing cloths, preparing food, cutting nails, polishing my shoes and would you believe even eating. I would set alarms for each of the tasks and force myself to finish them on schedule. It seemed to work for some weeks but then I started loosing the motivation to follow this insane schedule.
Just to avoid getting over bored I would talk to strangers in public chat rooms in streaming sites [justin.tv etc], go and wander outside even it’s snowing heavily, eat chips as if I have nothing else to eat, I would curse myself constantly for not being forthcoming and not being able make friends easily and quickly. All this craziness forced me to talk to people I would never talked to otherwise and that was good in a way as I made new friends[Sanga] to whom I can talk to or chat with anytime I feel like. My friend Rajat also started coming to my place some week-ends and the three of us Rajat, Sanga and me would go out some times together. Things started getting to the usual again. I can't thank them enough.
After going through all this I think I am finally at peace with my self or at least I hope I am. :)
Apr 18, 2009
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